Heinous Rynz Coins YouTube “America’s Time Machine”

Ukulele master, Stretchlinks member and cultural philosopher Heinous Rynz can often be found sipping ice tea from a large brandy snifter, strumming his uke and waxing poetic about the evolution of society and the deeper meanings of social media.

“My humble desire is to share wisdom with those unfortunate American’s who may lack a certain historical perspective. Some of it comes from an iron deficiency while others suffer from a lack of sleep or overexposure to household cleaners. Hell, I’ve heard even eating too much cinnamon can make you ignorant to history. But what all American’s can get excited about is the marvel of new media and particularly the societal profundity of YouTube.”

Yes, Heinous did say “profundity” in a sentence, even modifying it with the heady term, ”societal” which by some standards makes him an elitist while in other circles it simply means he likes the sound of the word. According to long time friend and Stretchlinks partner Uncle Wonkles, Heinous will often repeat long, multi-syllable words aloud late into the night simply to experience their “musicality”.

“When we’re on the road I honestly don’t sleep most nights. Heinous has this way of focusing on certain vowel sounds and then just pummeling them over and over through the night. I’m usually bringing in the morning donuts by the time he finishes his “verbal calisthenics” as he likes to call em.”

Despite his admirable infatuation with words, what Heinous seems to most genuinly admire is the cultural revolution, the sheer science fiction of the YouTube phenomenon.

“You have this place you can go that is essentially the closest thing to a true Time Machine that man has ever created.” Heinous explains.

The amiable philosopher sets down his tea and scoots forward with an earnest smile.

“Imagine being transported to your parents’ home TV circa 1974. The color sucks, reception is fuzzy, you place your hand to the screen and get a satisfying static charge. You’re 11 years old again and you’re obsessing about a TV commercial, waiting desperately with a mix of fear and excitement for that one: 60 seconds of joy to share it’s glorious message of mirth and material satisfaction. And when it arrives, when is “airs”, it makes you whole, confirms that you are indeed an American Boy.


Now it’s 34 years later and suddenly, there it is on YouTube, that same :60 seconds with its titillating shrill music and that eerie smiling actor boy who you had long ago pushed from your prepubescent memory. The history, the sounds, the smell, the happy faces, your childhood in all its facets descends on you like a synaptic freight train and you relive your youth in a way you never thought possible. But it’s not just advertising, it’s movies, songs, iconic events long since forgotten until the simple push of a button transports you through TIME.”

Heinous leans back breathless, then with an enormous sigh, drains the last of his tea.

Stretchlinks News: Comedy Music Duo Ready Best Of Album

Stretchlinks News: Comedy Music Duo Ready Best Of Album

“I don’t think it’s supposed to happen this way but our giddiness is beginning to hurt.” Those are the words of Uncle Wonkles, guitar player and singer of the comedy music duo, The Stretchlinks. He’s referring to a rare level of joy that when prolonged can cause physical pain.

“I experienced it too.” Recounts legendary ukulele player and renowned Stretchlinks member, Heinous Rynz. “Mostly on the backs of my palms.” The amiable Heinous leans back cradling his vintage uke and continues with a genuine amazement.

“It began a few months ago when we learned that our old pal Pete Miller might have access to a form of futuristic technology. In a manner that neither Wonkles or I even try to understand, various gurgling, clanking noises and bits of static from the Stretchlinks’ past have somehow been cobbled together with a kind of bleeding edge digital super glue to regenerate the sounds Wonkles and I made years ago.”

Wonkles interrupts his pal, grinning widely with enthusiasm. “It’s like someone was in the room with us and made a historical record of what we were doing! Kind of like cave drawings or some Neolithic scribbles. When you hear this stuff, it’s as though we transported a random outsider to the basement of our old house in San Francisco years ago and he brought our sounds back to the present day. It’s total science fiction.”

Wonkles pauses with a reverent gaze, reaching for the deeper meanings of this landmark Stretchlinks music release.

“It’s as though someone bottled the sounds that were happening in that room and put them out to sea with a note inside. And that lonely bottle just floated for decades out there in the foam. Finally, some primitive finds it and the note says something like, “Hello to you Mr. or Mrs. Future Person. Inside this bottle are sounds from another time. Share our ancient voices, melodies and mirth with your people and… be bountiful.”

Wonkles takes a deep breath, either holding back a flood of emotion or an enormous belch, then continues.

“I mean you’d want the message to inspire people right?”

Heinous nods vigorously. “This whole thing is experimenting with a new kind of Anthropology, one where ancient, forgotten sounds are heard by the world for the very first time in history. It’s damned exciting.”

Just Happy Inc. will soon be releasing the Stretchlinks singular brand of ukulele and guitar based comedy music in an album entitled, Stretchlinks Hits (the cream of the crop of the very best special stuff).

Stay tuned to Stretchlinks News for details.

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Stretchlinks News: Heinous Rynz admits invention of The Missionary Position

After years of rumor and speculation, ukulele legend Heinous Rynz has broken his mysterious silence and admitted responsibility for the invention of the “Missionary Position”.

If proven true, this stunning announcement, which came through Mr. Rynz associate and fellow musician, Uncle Wonkles, contradicts the established historical record.

Most historians subscribe to the notion that The Missionary Position or “Man On Top” position for the business of propagating the species was first used by primitive peoples or even apes. Mr. Rynz claims he can produce explosive evidence and first hand accounts proving his sole responsibility for the Missionary Position’s origin.

“That 13th century Dominican priest guy, Thomas Aquinas had nothing to do with it” scoffs Rynz .“It was that quack Kinsey who stole my ideas and blabbed them all over. The bonehead mucked things up for me and never once mentioned my name”.

According to Rynz’s own account, in the late 1960’s he was an intimidating and unnaturally mature 7 year old when famed sexual behaviorist, Alfred Kinsey heard the young boy speak at a Hell’s Angels Rally in Cleveland Hts. Ohio.

His friend Wonkles remembers the event. “Even as a kid Heinous had radical views and that place was packed with the perfect audience; hipsters and bikers, anti-war protestors, and he just got up there and wowed em’.”

Wonkles asserts that the published record is dead wrong and that the Press and most serious Academics have overlooked young Heinous’ speeches and writings. “The true story is that Rynz was teasing the Presbyterian proselytizers, making them look silly, it was more of a joke than anything else. And that Kinsey dude made off with the kid’s words. Hell, even at 9 years old I spotted that phony entomologist a mile off.”

Mr. Wonkles recounts the day fondly. “I heard Heinous say it for the first time, the first time ever, loud and clear, “Missionary Position!” I was there with my mom, right on Coventry road. The crowd went nuts! They loved the tiny, uke-toting kid spewing crazy anti-establishment stuff. Man, seems like it was just yesterday”.

In 2009 Mr. Rynz launched a series of legal challenges to correct the record and prove his first use of the term. Armed with the legal services of Elmer, Johnson and Dupree of University Hts. Ohio, Heinous is now filing for a U.S. Trademark. He hopes to secure all rights to the “Missionary Position” term and retroactively collect significant royalties due him and his estate.

Stretchlinks News: Study Proves Animal Boredom

Are humans the only animals to show signs of boredom? Apparently not. According to Clevelander and part time animal behaviorist, Heinous Rynz, mammals display boredom-like behaviors much like human beings. Rynz, who is also widely known for his two-fisted ukulele playing, has studied the skunk and mule to prove his hypothesis. “Mules are a misunderstood animal” Rynz explains. “While they often look bored with droopy eyes and dour expressions, they are always engaged in the world around them. It’s not until they are exposed to belly dancing, archery or a potter’s wheel that they display what we would describe as boredom.” Rynz claims that belly dancing dries the tongue of most mules and can even lull tiny skunks into dangerous vegetative comas. While science has long known the stifling tedium effect of archery on humans, it was not until Rynz grazed his 6 test mules on an archery range that he made his astonishing discoveries. “The animals collectively yawned a remarkable 1,619 times, displayed nearly 70 human eye rolls and sighed with a startling annoyance that made me worry for my own safety.”  Worst of all according to Rynz is the potter’s wheel. At the animal’s first exposure in which the amiable ukulele player skillfully shaped a tall elegant vessel, the eyes of both species watered relentlessly confirming his long held view that even the mule or skunk could be “bored to tears”. “I was having a blast” said Rynz of his role as ceramic artist, “but when I saw those poor animals suffering, I was mortified and deeply moved”. What followed was a healing mule/skunk/human group hug.  As a result of the deep trauma he and his animals experienced together, the Clevelander performed a deprogramming ritual dubbed “Wash Day”. On Jan 1, 2010 he assembled his animal friends to witness the bows, arrows, potters wheel and his own personal collection of alluring belly dancer costumes burned in joyous effigy.