Featured, Stretchlinks News January 19, 2010

Stretchlinks News: Heinous Rynz admits invention of The Missionary Position

by Stretchlinks

After years of rumor and speculation, ukulele legend Heinous Rynz has broken his mysterious silence and admitted responsibility for the invention of the “Missionary Position”.

If proven true, this stunning announcement, which came through Mr. Rynz associate and fellow musician, Uncle Wonkles, contradicts the established historical record.

Most historians subscribe to the notion that The Missionary Position or “Man On Top” position for the business of propagating the species was first used by primitive peoples or even apes. Mr. Rynz claims he can produce explosive evidence and first hand accounts proving his sole responsibility for the Missionary Position’s origin.

“That 13th century Dominican priest guy, Thomas Aquinas had nothing to do with it” scoffs Rynz .“It was that quack Kinsey who stole my ideas and blabbed them all over. The bonehead mucked things up for me and never once mentioned my name”.

According to Rynz’s own account, in the late 1960’s he was an intimidating and unnaturally mature 7 year old when famed sexual behaviorist, Alfred Kinsey heard the young boy speak at a Hell’s Angels Rally in Cleveland Hts. Ohio.

His friend Wonkles remembers the event. “Even as a kid Heinous had radical views and that place was packed with the perfect audience; hipsters and bikers, anti-war protestors, and he just got up there and wowed em’.”

Wonkles asserts that the published record is dead wrong and that the Press and most serious Academics have overlooked young Heinous’ speeches and writings. “The true story is that Rynz was teasing the Presbyterian proselytizers, making them look silly, it was more of a joke than anything else. And that Kinsey dude made off with the kid’s words. Hell, even at 9 years old I spotted that phony entomologist a mile off.”

Mr. Wonkles recounts the day fondly. “I heard Heinous say it for the first time, the first time ever, loud and clear, “Missionary Position!” I was there with my mom, right on Coventry road. The crowd went nuts! They loved the tiny, uke-toting kid spewing crazy anti-establishment stuff. Man, seems like it was just yesterday”.

In 2009 Mr. Rynz launched a series of legal challenges to correct the record and prove his first use of the term. Armed with the legal services of Elmer, Johnson and Dupree of University Hts. Ohio, Heinous is now filing for a U.S. Trademark. He hopes to secure all rights to the “Missionary Position” term and retroactively collect significant royalties due him and his estate.