by Stretchlinks | Jan 9, 2010 | Stretchlinks News
The comedy music duo known as The Stretchlinks recently announced they had evidence that identifies the origins of the schoolyard prank known as “The Wedgy”, or “Wedgie”. This embarrassing and often painful act in which one’s underpants are drawn up tightly between the buttocks causing pain to the anus and self esteem appears to be deeply-rooted in ancient Eskimo Shaman culture. That revelation is according to Stretchlinks member, Heinous Rynz who purchased “some animal skins with pretty drawings on them” at a garage sale in 2008. Mr. Rynz recounts that after 6 days of staring “super hard” at the hieroglyphics, an ancient ritual was revealed to him. His theory suggests that after Intuit Shaman consumed psychedelic Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and experienced many days of isolation in small snow huts, they emerged to instruct pre-pubescent boys in the practice of the “Wedchunk”, a relatively harmless coming of age ritual where young men would relentlessly taunt their peers and then violently lift the “Unhappy One” into the air from their fur pants or “Shaveresh”. According to Rynz a “scruffy looking guy” sold him the rare skins and then proposed the following history. It was 19th century European arctic explorers who first encountered the Intuit and after witnessing the Wedchunk began to spontaneously frolic in the snow, tease each other and take part in the ancient practice. Further research by Rynz suggests that the term “Wedchunk” was often mispronounced by outsiders, first by the French as “Wodechoongue” followed by the Danish as “Vedgunk” and then finally by the British as “Wedgie”. Shortly after this remarkable revelation Rynz disappeared and no evidence of the animal skins could be produced. According to Stretchlinks counterpart, Uncle Wonkles “I’m pretty sure Heinous is reenacting the Shaman rituals a good 50 miles out on the frozen tundra of Lake Erie. He really is a sucker for history”.
by Stretchlinks | Dec 8, 2009 | Links' To Love
Enjoy “Lick Of Fury”, the wonderfully odd short film from the mad genius of director, Matty Sidle. More Links’ To Love video!
by Stretchlinks | Nov 26, 2009 | Podcasts
Stretchheads! It’s episode 9 of the Stretchlinks Podcast entitled, You Stole My Lung, hilarious musical whimsy from Heinous and Wonkles. Hum along to the loss of human fingers with the Links’ earwormy classic, Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah. Squirm uncomfortably during the break-neck potty humor of this show’s Don’t Touch That Feces. Safely lock away your lungs during our spoken word, Nugget Of Wonderness. And marvel as America’s Son’s Of Funny reveal for the first time, the true patent holder of the Missionary Position. More brainless folly, only at Stretchlinks.com! PLAY HERE
by Stretchlinks | Nov 25, 2009 | Featured, Lryics
Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah
music and lyrics © 1989
The Stretchlinks
When I first saw Wanda, she was crying in a laundromat.
She had put her favorite wool sweater in one of the dryers
and I volunteered to get it out for her.
But in what the owner described as “The most grusome and
uncanny laundering mishap he’d ever seen”, I lost three fingers
on my left hand.
She rushed me to the hospital and we were married six weeks later.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
We got a 25 hundred dollar out of court settlement from the
laundromat which helped us move into a trailer park near a
factory where I got a job working a drill press.
I bought a Chevy Impala at a police auction for 500 dollars.
It ran beautifully, but the radio only got A.M.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
We called Wanda’s parents and told them “We’ve Made it!”
Everthing was going great until I caught her “doing it” with a
seventeen-year-old Puerto Rican kid.
I beat her up pretty bad that night, so she left me and moved in
with her brother. At work I lost two more fingers.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
I heard through a friend that Wanda’s got a job at a drive-in
movie theater. She sells tickets for the most part, but when
they get real busy she helps behind the candy counter.
She makes around $4.75 an hour, and with what she steals
from the cash register I guess she does all right.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Me? Well I roam around a lot. Doing a little bit of this, a little bit
of that. I went to join the military but they told me I didn’t have enough
fingers.
I tried to call Wanda once, but her brother answered the phone
so I just hung up
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Some people say that life chews you up and spits you out. And
many would say that my life has been somewhat of a hardluck
story.
I don’t know. But I try not to dwell too much on the past. I’m working
in a butcher shop now where they have a lot of sharp tools. It’s been
three weeks and I haven’t lost any fingers yet. Who knows…maybe
things are looking up.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, etc….
by Stretchlinks | Sep 8, 2009 | Stretchlinks Classifieds
Acclaimed Stanford University sociologist Hans Frugel recently unearthed this legendary structure known as “Heinous House”, the lost childhood home of revered ukulele celebrity, Heinous Rynes. The unexpected discovery of this near-mythical one room abode located high in the breathtaking Utah mountains has been the 12 year obsession of Frugel who has certified this to be the very place where young Heinous mastered the ukulele and at the age of 4, tracked a Shiras Moose for 16 days and bit the animal simply “cuz I wanted to see him cry”. Equipped with running water, a wooden door and a tall box of Chinese bamboo candles this roomy 100 square foot Utah State Landmark oozes charm and rock star cache. First $7850 takes it.
