Stretchlinks News January 9, 2010

Stretchlinks Discover Origin Of The Wedgie

by Stretchlinks

The comedy music duo known as The Stretchlinks recently announced they had evidence that identifies the origins of the schoolyard prank known as “The Wedgy”, or “Wedgie”.  This embarrassing and often painful act in which one’s underpants are drawn up tightly between the buttocks causing pain to the anus and self esteem appears to be deeply-rooted in ancient Eskimo Shaman culture. That revelation is according to Stretchlinks member, Heinous Rynz who purchased “some animal skins with pretty drawings on them” at a garage sale in 2008. Mr. Rynz recounts that after 6 days of staring “super hard” at the hieroglyphics, an ancient ritual was revealed to him. His theory suggests that after Intuit Shaman consumed psychedelic Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and experienced many days of isolation in small snow huts, they emerged to instruct pre-pubescent boys in the practice of the “Wedchunk”, a relatively harmless coming of age ritual where young men would relentlessly taunt their peers and then violently lift the “Unhappy One” into the air from their fur pants or “Shaveresh”. According to Rynz a “scruffy looking guy” sold him the rare skins and then proposed the following history. It was 19th century European arctic explorers who first encountered the Intuit and after witnessing the Wedchunk began to spontaneously frolic in the snow, tease each other and take part in the ancient practice. Further research by Rynz suggests that the term “Wedchunk” was often mispronounced by outsiders, first by the French as “Wodechoongue” followed by the Danish as “Vedgunk” and then finally by the British as “Wedgie”. Shortly after this remarkable revelation Rynz disappeared and no evidence of the animal skins could be produced. According to Stretchlinks counterpart, Uncle Wonkles “I’m pretty sure Heinous is reenacting the Shaman rituals a good 50 miles out on the frozen tundra of Lake Erie. He really is a sucker for history”.