Stretchlinks News: Comedy Music Duo Ready Best Of Album

Stretchlinks News: Comedy Music Duo Ready Best Of Album

“I don’t think it’s supposed to happen this way but our giddiness is beginning to hurt.” Those are the words of Uncle Wonkles, guitar player and singer of the comedy music duo, The Stretchlinks. He’s referring to a rare level of joy that when prolonged can cause physical pain.

“I experienced it too.” Recounts legendary ukulele player and renowned Stretchlinks member, Heinous Rynz. “Mostly on the backs of my palms.” The amiable Heinous leans back cradling his vintage uke and continues with a genuine amazement.

“It began a few months ago when we learned that our old pal Pete Miller might have access to a form of futuristic technology. In a manner that neither Wonkles or I even try to understand, various gurgling, clanking noises and bits of static from the Stretchlinks’ past have somehow been cobbled together with a kind of bleeding edge digital super glue to regenerate the sounds Wonkles and I made years ago.”

Wonkles interrupts his pal, grinning widely with enthusiasm. “It’s like someone was in the room with us and made a historical record of what we were doing! Kind of like cave drawings or some Neolithic scribbles. When you hear this stuff, it’s as though we transported a random outsider to the basement of our old house in San Francisco years ago and he brought our sounds back to the present day. It’s total science fiction.”

Wonkles pauses with a reverent gaze, reaching for the deeper meanings of this landmark Stretchlinks music release.

“It’s as though someone bottled the sounds that were happening in that room and put them out to sea with a note inside. And that lonely bottle just floated for decades out there in the foam. Finally, some primitive finds it and the note says something like, “Hello to you Mr. or Mrs. Future Person. Inside this bottle are sounds from another time. Share our ancient voices, melodies and mirth with your people and… be bountiful.”

Wonkles takes a deep breath, either holding back a flood of emotion or an enormous belch, then continues.

“I mean you’d want the message to inspire people right?”

Heinous nods vigorously. “This whole thing is experimenting with a new kind of Anthropology, one where ancient, forgotten sounds are heard by the world for the very first time in history. It’s damned exciting.”

Just Happy Inc. will soon be releasing the Stretchlinks singular brand of ukulele and guitar based comedy music in an album entitled, Stretchlinks Hits (the cream of the crop of the very best special stuff).

Stay tuned to Stretchlinks News for details.

Comedy Music Duo, The Stretchlinks Blame “Stupid”

Uncle Wonkles mumbles in a kind of endearing murmur that often requires a steep lean-in to hear all of what he has to say. Today, the elusive singer and writer of the comedy duo, The Stretchlinks rests casually atop a formidable stack of broken reel to reel tape machines piled in the corner of his Burbank, CA office slurring his way through an elliptical but amusing theory about America’s troubles – and perhaps some of his own.

“America’s Stupid,” he explains. “In the dazed, confused kind of way. Stupefied, you might say. No one can think clearly. Nobody. You don’t have to be blind to see it. We’ve all gotten numb. And you can save the hate mail cuz I’m not saying we’re all a bunch of dopes, that’s another debate entirely. It’s just that we’re caught in a trance, a mindless stare that’s allowing an awful lot of silly things to happen in this country. I’ve seen it in the flesh and it’s not pretty.”

Wonkles first hand experience with Stupid began 16 months ago while hammering nails into an 8-foot 2×4.

“I figured I’d do some hammering. I own a great hammer, loads of nails, that sort of thing. Thing is I realized a bit too late that my hammering might not have a particular purpose.”

Wonkles continues in a low somber tone, his startling blue eyes and perhaps most of the rest of him, fixed on an elusive point in the distance.

“Kind a spooked me really. See most of the time you get out the hammer and nail after a great deal of measuring, designing and consideration. That’s how I’ve always done it. Perhaps you want to build something for your kids or widen a doorway and all that kind of stuff. People get really happy when it’s done right. Wood just comes in real handy for those sorts of things. Instead, my “plan” was to just hammer nails into a piece of wood.”

According to Wonkles the inexplicable hammering went on for most of that afternoon until he had exhausted his entire supply of 3,200 nails and left his palms near bloody with the effort. Once the lumber was saturated with the sharp metal, he carried it to a neighboring office and did his best to gift the ungainly and now dangerous piece.

“I thought it might be of use to someone,” Wonkles continued. “All those nails, right there on a piece of wood. You wouldn’t even have to look for them cuz every nail you owned or might need to own would be right there.”

The reaction from his neighbors was not what he expected. Seven local fire teams responded and to Wonkles’ amazement proceeded to comb the area for flammables, explosives and reports of toxic gasses emanating from The Stretchlinks’ offices.

“I gotta’ say though, these guys wore the greatest gear. Fire retardant, waterproof, rip proof and the stuff smelled great, kind of a fresh peach smell. They had oxygen tanks, CPR gear, GPS, hook and ladder. None of them seemed all that interested in my lumber though. And that’s partly what I’m talking about. All these smart, trained professionals. They just stood around looking dazed, bewildered. And I’ve seen that look before, not just on fireman or paramedics but on the faces of a lot of Americans these days, people looking pretty darn Stoo-pi-fied.”

The Burbank police did confiscate his nail-board. However with only a modest fine for disturbing the peace, Wonkles was able to return to work the following day. Back in his offices the next morning and feeling generally sanguine about the affair, Wonkles had these final thoughts.

“We just gotta’ help each other, come together as good citizens and watch out for the stupid stuff.”

Stretchlinks Podcast #9: “You Stole My Lung”

Stretchlinks Podcast #9: “You Stole My Lung”

Stretchheads! It’s episode 9 of the Stretchlinks Podcast entitled, You Stole My Lung, hilarious musical whimsy from Heinous and Wonkles. Hum along to the loss of human fingers with the Links’ earwormy classic, Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah. Squirm uncomfortably during the break-neck potty humor of this show’s Don’t Touch That Feces. Safely lock away your lungs during our spoken word, Nugget Of Wonderness. And marvel as America’s Son’s Of Funny reveal for the first time, the true patent holder of the Missionary Position. More brainless folly, only at! PLAY HERE

Stretchlinks Lyrics: Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah

Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah

music and lyrics © 1989
The Stretchlinks

When I first saw Wanda, she was crying in a laundromat.
She had put her favorite wool sweater in one of the dryers
and I volunteered to get it out for her.

But in what the owner described as “The most grusome and
uncanny laundering mishap he’d ever seen”, I lost three fingers
on my left hand.

She rushed me to the hospital and we were married six weeks later.

(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah

We got a 25 hundred dollar out of court settlement from the
laundromat which helped us move into a trailer park near a
factory where I got a job working a drill press.

I bought a Chevy Impala at a police auction for 500 dollars.
It ran beautifully, but the radio only got A.M.

(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah

We called Wanda’s parents and told them “We’ve Made it!”
Everthing was going great until I caught her “doing it” with a
seventeen-year-old Puerto Rican kid.

I beat her up pretty bad that night, so she left me and moved in
with her brother. At work I lost two more fingers.

(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah

I heard through a friend that Wanda’s got a job at a drive-in
movie theater. She sells tickets for the most part, but when
they get real busy she helps behind the candy counter.

She makes around $4.75 an hour, and with what she steals
from the cash register I guess she does all right.

(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah

Me? Well I roam around a lot. Doing a little bit of this, a little bit
of that. I went to join the military but they told me I didn’t have enough

I tried to call Wanda once, but her brother answered the phone
so I just hung up

(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah

Some people say that life chews you up and spits you out. And
many would say that my life has been somewhat of a hardluck

I don’t know. But I try not to dwell too much on the past. I’m working
in a butcher shop now where they have a lot of sharp tools. It’s been
three weeks and I haven’t lost any fingers yet. Who knows…maybe
things are looking up.

(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, etc….

For Sale: Legendary “Heinous House”

For Sale: Legendary “Heinous House”

Acclaimed Stanford University sociologist Hans Frugel recently unearthed this legendary structure known as “Heinous House”, the lost childhood home of revered ukulele celebrity, Heinous Rynes. The unexpected discovery of this near-mythical one room abode located high in the breathtaking Utah mountains has been the 12 year obsession of Frugel who has certified this to be the very place where young Heinous mastered the ukulele and at the age of 4, tracked a Shiras Moose for 16 days and bit the animal simply “cuz I wanted to see him cry”. Equipped with running water, a wooden door and a tall box of Chinese bamboo candles this roomy 100 square foot Utah State Landmark oozes charm and rock star cache. First $7850 takes it.