Stretchlinks News: Democrats and Republicans Genetically Linked

Speaker Of The House, Nancy Pelosi (D) brushes her brown hair from her eyes with a familiar avian twitch then peers pensively down the bustling hallways of the House Chamber. “I agreed to the testing, but only under protest”.

Pelosi refers to a little known genetic study funded by the National Science Foundation that has conducted extensive gene profiling of many government officials including both houses of congress. The ongoing study was launched in early 2001 and now after repeated delays is releasing a comprehensive genetic database that will soon be available online through the Freedom Of Information Act.

Perhaps the most stunning revelation from early leaks of the research reveal the striking similarity and in some cases exact genetic matches between Democrats and Republicans. According to Stanford geneticist Dr. Hans Frugel, American political figures share many peculiar genetic features. Frugel explains “Some of this homology includes a propensity toward profound, even pathological personality traits that lead to ubiquitous Inside the Beltway conditions including; Morbid Reticence, Torpid Solution Disorder and a rare form of uncontrolled speech known as Trot Jaw.” Unconfirmed sources have told Stretchlinks News (SN) that Trot Jaw has been responsible for the death of four unnamed House Members since 2004.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R) lopes through his latest complaints on the White House then moans deeply at the mention of the Study.

“These things have a way of sneaking up on you” He protests. “I was tested back in 2002 and had forgotten about the whole thing.” Boehner sneers, twisting his lower lip downward. “I’m just not anything like my democratic counterparts. The idea that we could be alike in any way or share any of the same values, morals or constitutional beliefs is simply ludicrous. I don’t need a genetic test to tell me that.”

Despite his dismissive remarks, sources tell SN that both Speaker Pelosi and Mr. Boehner do indeed suffer from “MR” or Morbid Reticence, a serious condition which has been known to lead to the demise of many civilized societies.

For Sale: Legendary “Heinous House”

For Sale: Legendary “Heinous House”

Acclaimed Stanford University sociologist Hans Frugel recently unearthed this legendary structure known as “Heinous House”, the lost childhood home of revered ukulele celebrity, Heinous Rynes. The unexpected discovery of this near-mythical one room abode located high in the breathtaking Utah mountains has been the 12 year obsession of Frugel who has certified this to be the very place where young Heinous mastered the ukulele and at the age of 4, tracked a Shiras Moose for 16 days and bit the animal simply “cuz I wanted to see him cry”. Equipped with running water, a wooden door and a tall box of Chinese bamboo candles this roomy 100 square foot Utah State Landmark oozes charm and rock star cache. First $7850 takes it.

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