by Stretchlinks | Jan 19, 2010 | Featured, Stretchlinks News
After years of rumor and speculation, ukulele legend Heinous Rynz has broken his mysterious silence and admitted responsibility for the invention of the “Missionary Position”.
If proven true, this stunning announcement, which came through Mr. Rynz associate and fellow musician, Uncle Wonkles, contradicts the established historical record.
Most historians subscribe to the notion that The Missionary Position or “Man On Top” position for the business of propagating the species was first used by primitive peoples or even apes. Mr. Rynz claims he can produce explosive evidence and first hand accounts proving his sole responsibility for the Missionary Position’s origin.
“That 13th century Dominican priest guy, Thomas Aquinas had nothing to do with it” scoffs Rynz .“It was that quack Kinsey who stole my ideas and blabbed them all over. The bonehead mucked things up for me and never once mentioned my name”.
According to Rynz’s own account, in the late 1960’s he was an intimidating and unnaturally mature 7 year old when famed sexual behaviorist, Alfred Kinsey heard the young boy speak at a Hell’s Angels Rally in Cleveland Hts. Ohio.
His friend Wonkles remembers the event. “Even as a kid Heinous had radical views and that place was packed with the perfect audience; hipsters and bikers, anti-war protestors, and he just got up there and wowed em’.”
Wonkles asserts that the published record is dead wrong and that the Press and most serious Academics have overlooked young Heinous’ speeches and writings. “The true story is that Rynz was teasing the Presbyterian proselytizers, making them look silly, it was more of a joke than anything else. And that Kinsey dude made off with the kid’s words. Hell, even at 9 years old I spotted that phony entomologist a mile off.”
Mr. Wonkles recounts the day fondly. “I heard Heinous say it for the first time, the first time ever, loud and clear, “Missionary Position!” I was there with my mom, right on Coventry road. The crowd went nuts! They loved the tiny, uke-toting kid spewing crazy anti-establishment stuff. Man, seems like it was just yesterday”.
In 2009 Mr. Rynz launched a series of legal challenges to correct the record and prove his first use of the term. Armed with the legal services of Elmer, Johnson and Dupree of University Hts. Ohio, Heinous is now filing for a U.S. Trademark. He hopes to secure all rights to the “Missionary Position” term and retroactively collect significant royalties due him and his estate.
by Stretchlinks | Nov 25, 2009 | Featured, Lryics
Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah
music and lyrics © 1989
The Stretchlinks
When I first saw Wanda, she was crying in a laundromat.
She had put her favorite wool sweater in one of the dryers
and I volunteered to get it out for her.
But in what the owner described as “The most grusome and
uncanny laundering mishap he’d ever seen”, I lost three fingers
on my left hand.
She rushed me to the hospital and we were married six weeks later.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
We got a 25 hundred dollar out of court settlement from the
laundromat which helped us move into a trailer park near a
factory where I got a job working a drill press.
I bought a Chevy Impala at a police auction for 500 dollars.
It ran beautifully, but the radio only got A.M.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
We called Wanda’s parents and told them “We’ve Made it!”
Everthing was going great until I caught her “doing it” with a
seventeen-year-old Puerto Rican kid.
I beat her up pretty bad that night, so she left me and moved in
with her brother. At work I lost two more fingers.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
I heard through a friend that Wanda’s got a job at a drive-in
movie theater. She sells tickets for the most part, but when
they get real busy she helps behind the candy counter.
She makes around $4.75 an hour, and with what she steals
from the cash register I guess she does all right.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Me? Well I roam around a lot. Doing a little bit of this, a little bit
of that. I went to join the military but they told me I didn’t have enough
fingers.
I tried to call Wanda once, but her brother answered the phone
so I just hung up
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Some people say that life chews you up and spits you out. And
many would say that my life has been somewhat of a hardluck
story.
I don’t know. But I try not to dwell too much on the past. I’m working
in a butcher shop now where they have a lot of sharp tools. It’s been
three weeks and I haven’t lost any fingers yet. Who knows…maybe
things are looking up.
(Chorus) Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah
Do-Wah Do-Wah Do-Wah, etc….
