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Stretchlinks News: Heinous Rynz admits invention of The Missionary Position
After years of rumor and speculation, ukulele legend Heinous Rynz has broken his mysterious silence and admitted responsibility for the invention of the “Missionary Position”.
If proven true, this stunning announcement, which came through Mr. Rynz associate and fellow musician, Uncle Wonkles, contradicts the established historical record.
Most historians subscribe to the notion that The Missionary Position or “Man On Top” position for the business of propagating the species was first used by primitive peoples or even apes. Mr. Rynz claims he can produce explosive evidence and first hand accounts proving his sole responsibility for the Missionary Position’s origin.
“That 13th century Dominican priest guy, Thomas Aquinas had nothing to do with it” scoffs Rynz .“It was that quack Kinsey who stole my ideas and blabbed them all over. The bonehead mucked things up for me and never once mentioned my name”.
According to Rynz’s own account, in the late 1960’s he was an intimidating and unnaturally mature 7 year old when famed sexual behaviorist, Alfred Kinsey heard the young boy speak at a Hell’s Angels Rally in Cleveland Hts. Ohio.
His friend Wonkles remembers the event. “Even as a kid Heinous had radical views and that place was packed with the perfect audience; hipsters and bikers, anti-war protestors, and he just got up there and wowed em’.”
Wonkles asserts that the published record is dead wrong and that the Press and most serious Academics have overlooked young Heinous’ speeches and writings. “The true story is that Rynz was teasing the Presbyterian proselytizers, making them look silly, it was more of a joke than anything else. And that Kinsey dude made off with the kid’s words. Hell, even at 9 years old I spotted that phony entomologist a mile off.”
Mr. Wonkles recounts the day fondly. “I heard Heinous say it for the first time, the first time ever, loud and clear, “Missionary Position!” I was there with my mom, right on Coventry road. The crowd went nuts! They loved the tiny, uke-toting kid spewing crazy anti-establishment stuff. Man, seems like it was just yesterday”.
In 2009 Mr. Rynz launched a series of legal challenges to correct the record and prove his first use of the term. Armed with the legal services of Elmer, Johnson and Dupree of University Hts. Ohio, Heinous is now filing for a U.S. Trademark. He hopes to secure all rights to the “Missionary Position” term and retroactively collect significant royalties due him and his estate.
Stretchlinks News: Study Proves Animal Boredom
Are humans the only animals to show signs of boredom? Apparently not. According to Clevelander and part time animal behaviorist, Heinous Rynz, mammals display boredom-like behaviors much like human beings. Rynz, who is also widely known for his two-fisted ukulele playing, has studied the skunk and mule to prove his hypothesis. “Mules are a misunderstood animal” Rynz explains. “While they often look bored with droopy eyes and dour expressions, they are always engaged in the world around them. It’s not until they are exposed to belly dancing, archery or a potter’s wheel that they display what we would describe as boredom.” Rynz claims that belly dancing dries the tongue of most mules and can even lull tiny skunks into dangerous vegetative comas. While science has long known the stifling tedium effect of archery on humans, it was not until Rynz grazed his 6 test mules on an archery range that he made his astonishing discoveries. “The animals collectively yawned a remarkable 1,619 times, displayed nearly 70 human eye rolls and sighed with a startling annoyance that made me worry for my own safety.” Worst of all according to Rynz is the potter’s wheel. At the animal’s first exposure in which the amiable ukulele player skillfully shaped a tall elegant vessel, the eyes of both species watered relentlessly confirming his long held view that even the mule or skunk could be “bored to tears”. “I was having a blast” said Rynz of his role as ceramic artist, “but when I saw those poor animals suffering, I was mortified and deeply moved”. What followed was a healing mule/skunk/human group hug. As a result of the deep trauma he and his animals experienced together, the Clevelander performed a deprogramming ritual dubbed “Wash Day”. On Jan 1, 2010 he assembled his animal friends to witness the bows, arrows, potters wheel and his own personal collection of alluring belly dancer costumes burned in joyous effigy.
Stretchlinks Discover Origin Of The Wedgie
The comedy music duo known as The Stretchlinks recently announced they had evidence that identifies the origins of the schoolyard prank known as “The Wedgy”, or “Wedgie”. This embarrassing and often painful act in which one’s underpants are drawn up tightly between the buttocks causing pain to the anus and self esteem appears to be deeply-rooted in ancient Eskimo Shaman culture. That revelation is according to Stretchlinks member, Heinous Rynz who purchased “some animal skins with pretty drawings on them” at a garage sale in 2008. Mr. Rynz recounts that after 6 days of staring “super hard” at the hieroglyphics, an ancient ritual was revealed to him. His theory suggests that after Intuit Shaman consumed psychedelic Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and experienced many days of isolation in small snow huts, they emerged to instruct pre-pubescent boys in the practice of the “Wedchunk”, a relatively harmless coming of age ritual where young men would relentlessly taunt their peers and then violently lift the “Unhappy One” into the air from their fur pants or “Shaveresh”. According to Rynz a “scruffy looking guy” sold him the rare skins and then proposed the following history. It was 19th century European arctic explorers who first encountered the Intuit and after witnessing the Wedchunk began to spontaneously frolic in the snow, tease each other and take part in the ancient practice. Further research by Rynz suggests that the term “Wedchunk” was often mispronounced by outsiders, first by the French as “Wodechoongue” followed by the Danish as “Vedgunk” and then finally by the British as “Wedgie”. Shortly after this remarkable revelation Rynz disappeared and no evidence of the animal skins could be produced. According to Stretchlinks counterpart, Uncle Wonkles “I’m pretty sure Heinous is reenacting the Shaman rituals a good 50 miles out on the frozen tundra of Lake Erie. He really is a sucker for history”.
Stretchlinks Music! “Charlotte The Dunk Tank Girl”
Hum along to this haunting carnival tragedy in The Stretchlinks comedy classic “Charlotte The Dunk Tank Girl”.