Stretchlinks News: Democrats and Republicans Genetically Linked

Speaker Of The House, Nancy Pelosi (D) brushes her brown hair from her eyes with a familiar avian twitch then peers pensively down the bustling hallways of the House Chamber. “I agreed to the testing, but only under protest”.

Pelosi refers to a little known genetic study funded by the National Science Foundation that has conducted extensive gene profiling of many government officials including both houses of congress. The ongoing study was launched in early 2001 and now after repeated delays is releasing a comprehensive genetic database that will soon be available online through the Freedom Of Information Act.

Perhaps the most stunning revelation from early leaks of the research reveal the striking similarity and in some cases exact genetic matches between Democrats and Republicans. According to Stanford geneticist Dr. Hans Frugel, American political figures share many peculiar genetic features. Frugel explains “Some of this homology includes a propensity toward profound, even pathological personality traits that lead to ubiquitous Inside the Beltway conditions including; Morbid Reticence, Torpid Solution Disorder and a rare form of uncontrolled speech known as Trot Jaw.” Unconfirmed sources have told Stretchlinks News (SN) that Trot Jaw has been responsible for the death of four unnamed House Members since 2004.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R) lopes through his latest complaints on the White House then moans deeply at the mention of the Study.

“These things have a way of sneaking up on you” He protests. “I was tested back in 2002 and had forgotten about the whole thing.” Boehner sneers, twisting his lower lip downward. “I’m just not anything like my democratic counterparts. The idea that we could be alike in any way or share any of the same values, morals or constitutional beliefs is simply ludicrous. I don’t need a genetic test to tell me that.”

Despite his dismissive remarks, sources tell SN that both Speaker Pelosi and Mr. Boehner do indeed suffer from “MR” or Morbid Reticence, a serious condition which has been known to lead to the demise of many civilized societies.

Comedy Music Duo, The Stretchlinks Blame “Stupid”

Uncle Wonkles mumbles in a kind of endearing murmur that often requires a steep lean-in to hear all of what he has to say. Today, the elusive singer and writer of the comedy duo, The Stretchlinks rests casually atop a formidable stack of broken reel to reel tape machines piled in the corner of his Burbank, CA office slurring his way through an elliptical but amusing theory about America’s troubles – and perhaps some of his own.

“America’s Stupid,” he explains. “In the dazed, confused kind of way. Stupefied, you might say. No one can think clearly. Nobody. You don’t have to be blind to see it. We’ve all gotten numb. And you can save the hate mail cuz I’m not saying we’re all a bunch of dopes, that’s another debate entirely. It’s just that we’re caught in a trance, a mindless stare that’s allowing an awful lot of silly things to happen in this country. I’ve seen it in the flesh and it’s not pretty.”

Wonkles first hand experience with Stupid began 16 months ago while hammering nails into an 8-foot 2×4.

“I figured I’d do some hammering. I own a great hammer, loads of nails, that sort of thing. Thing is I realized a bit too late that my hammering might not have a particular purpose.”

Wonkles continues in a low somber tone, his startling blue eyes and perhaps most of the rest of him, fixed on an elusive point in the distance.

“Kind a spooked me really. See most of the time you get out the hammer and nail after a great deal of measuring, designing and consideration. That’s how I’ve always done it. Perhaps you want to build something for your kids or widen a doorway and all that kind of stuff. People get really happy when it’s done right. Wood just comes in real handy for those sorts of things. Instead, my “plan” was to just hammer nails into a piece of wood.”

According to Wonkles the inexplicable hammering went on for most of that afternoon until he had exhausted his entire supply of 3,200 nails and left his palms near bloody with the effort. Once the lumber was saturated with the sharp metal, he carried it to a neighboring office and did his best to gift the ungainly and now dangerous piece.

“I thought it might be of use to someone,” Wonkles continued. “All those nails, right there on a piece of wood. You wouldn’t even have to look for them cuz every nail you owned or might need to own would be right there.”

The reaction from his neighbors was not what he expected. Seven local fire teams responded and to Wonkles’ amazement proceeded to comb the area for flammables, explosives and reports of toxic gasses emanating from The Stretchlinks’ offices.

“I gotta’ say though, these guys wore the greatest gear. Fire retardant, waterproof, rip proof and the stuff smelled great, kind of a fresh peach smell. They had oxygen tanks, CPR gear, GPS, hook and ladder. None of them seemed all that interested in my lumber though. And that’s partly what I’m talking about. All these smart, trained professionals. They just stood around looking dazed, bewildered. And I’ve seen that look before, not just on fireman or paramedics but on the faces of a lot of Americans these days, people looking pretty darn Stoo-pi-fied.”

The Burbank police did confiscate his nail-board. However with only a modest fine for disturbing the peace, Wonkles was able to return to work the following day. Back in his offices the next morning and feeling generally sanguine about the affair, Wonkles had these final thoughts.

“We just gotta’ help each other, come together as good citizens and watch out for the stupid stuff.”

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Stretchlinks Discover Origin Of The Wedgie

The comedy music duo known as The Stretchlinks recently announced they had evidence that identifies the origins of the schoolyard prank known as “The Wedgy”, or “Wedgie”.  This embarrassing and often painful act in which one’s underpants are drawn up tightly between the buttocks causing pain to the anus and self esteem appears to be deeply-rooted in ancient Eskimo Shaman culture. That revelation is according to Stretchlinks member, Heinous Rynz who purchased “some animal skins with pretty drawings on them” at a garage sale in 2008. Mr. Rynz recounts that after 6 days of staring “super hard” at the hieroglyphics, an ancient ritual was revealed to him. His theory suggests that after Intuit Shaman consumed psychedelic Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and experienced many days of isolation in small snow huts, they emerged to instruct pre-pubescent boys in the practice of the “Wedchunk”, a relatively harmless coming of age ritual where young men would relentlessly taunt their peers and then violently lift the “Unhappy One” into the air from their fur pants or “Shaveresh”. According to Rynz a “scruffy looking guy” sold him the rare skins and then proposed the following history. It was 19th century European arctic explorers who first encountered the Intuit and after witnessing the Wedchunk began to spontaneously frolic in the snow, tease each other and take part in the ancient practice. Further research by Rynz suggests that the term “Wedchunk” was often mispronounced by outsiders, first by the French as “Wodechoongue” followed by the Danish as “Vedgunk” and then finally by the British as “Wedgie”. Shortly after this remarkable revelation Rynz disappeared and no evidence of the animal skins could be produced. According to Stretchlinks counterpart, Uncle Wonkles “I’m pretty sure Heinous is reenacting the Shaman rituals a good 50 miles out on the frozen tundra of Lake Erie. He really is a sucker for history”.